Lair of the Lamb session six:
Raucous Caucus in re Diaboli
Lair of the Lamb index
Session five: Pool Party
Sometimes, peasants get it in their heads to revolt. Occasionally, they actually manage to storm the local Knight or Baron's hold and exact their tender justice upon him and his family, and then - during that brief period before the King's men come to burn them and scatter the ashes - they have to decide what to do.
Half of the time, in these situations, peasants end up following some local strongman, or whichever wizard mesmerized them into the plot in the first place, or whoever has the longest moustache whiskers, or a very persuasive person who happens to be a demon, and so on. But for reasons as yet unclear to scholars, the other half of the time, they start headcounting. 'One head1, one vote'.
This invariably goes horribly for the peasants in question. They vote to follow an idiot strongman, or a wizard who mesmerizes them into voting for him, or whoever has the longest moustache whiskers, or a very persuasive person with good policy points and a forward-looking vision for the county who happens to be a demon, and so on.
Courageous (or suicidal) venture anthropologists will often flock to the sites of uprisings to document the chaos for future generations. Some die. Some write treatises that echo through the ages. Legend has it that one, through a freak chain of events (probably orchestrated by a demon), got elected, and that's how the current ruling dynasty of Berograff got started. Now it is our turn to don our pith hats and bear witness, for democracy hath descended upon this dungeon.
On the ballot, one question, three candidates:
DAVOK?
DEAR GOD ANYONE BUT DAVOK?
and PINK.
The Dead:
| George, brother of Lenny, Hero-in-spirit. |
| Jack Sparrow, Slayer of the Lamb, wielder of the Throwing Door. |
| The Throwing Door. Currently having its hinges oiled in door heaven. |
| Annie, a bony milkmaid and wannabe witch. (Annie has never met a witch, and in fact has only a loose grasp of what it is that witch does.) Her wandering eye offended the nobility. Feels a compulsion to touch supernatural things. |
| Battie, a Herbalist who rejected a noble's advances and was accused of being a witch for her trouble. Has Annie's spellbook and her skull. Does not have a throat, or a pulse. |
The Living:
| Gwyn, a deserter whose tongue was cut out years ago. Has a knife and a rusty breastplate. |
| Alec, imprisoned for impersonating a priest of the Authority for the tithe money. Continues to loudly insist that he's a priest of the Authority. Has a giant crab/lobster claw for a right hand & forearm. Is in the process of Ranking everything. |
| Kurt Hammer, blacksmith of Villageton (a newish consolidation of villages in the hills a day's walk from the city). Big fan of the heavy temple. Big fan of DAVOK. Offended a passing petty magistrate. Has a loving wife back home, marketable skills, a hammer, a Geas to serve the Beast-Demon, and 4 Dex. |
| Milo. Gorgeous. Disturbed. A thief. Worships a god not of the Holy Gross, and was tossed in here for it. |
| Marika (The Necromancer Formerly Known As Stephanie). Confused. Out of her depth. Wishes she hadn't dropped her sandwhich when she got teleported(?) here. |
The Sleepy:
| Kes, chicken farmer and chicken weirdo out of Villageton. Disciple of Shendormu. Drug addict. (Synonyms). "Too many drugs, too few friends". Was high, saw a questionable cart with lumpy tarp-covered cargo get let through the city gates without inspection, decided to have a little nap. Is currently fast asleep after smoking some purple powder, and has been so for several hours. |
Kurt Hammer is the foremost speaker of the pro-DAVOK party. (The party head is, of course, DAVOK.) He advocates for travelling with and co-operating with DAVOK at least until the party escapes the White Temple.
The most outspoken members of the anti-DAVOK brigade are Alec and D-man Tom, who advocate for not working with the fucking demon and fleeing without him.
The sole member of the third party - pink - is Lenny, who is currently being restrained from jumping back into the pool. He advocates for LETTING HIM GET BACK IN THE POOL RIGHT NOW HE NEEDS IT EXISTENCE OUTSIDE OF THE LIQUID IS SUFFERING.
The anti-DAVOK faction forwards the following points:
- He ate Annie.
- He's a demon.
- He seems pretty bestial and not very trustworthy.
- The priestess, Vandress, seemed very worried about him being loose; he seems like bad news.
- He ate Annie.
- If it took one person's flesh to cover his head, how many people will it take to restore that body of his that he's looking for?!
Mr. Hammer responds with the following:
- He ate Annie, so he's probably not hungry anymore, so he probably won't eat any of us!
- He's a demon, and he's pretty powerful!
- He seems pretty bestial! He could probably take out anyone in our way!
- As soon as we get out of here, you can all get far far away from the head! You don't have to be anywhere near the body when I find it! I'll take DAVOK to the Heavy Temple; they seem like they might know how to find a buff body!2
Lenny interjects:
- YOU SHOULD LET ME BACK INTO THE pink
- YOU SHOULD ALL TRY SOME OF THE pink STUFF IT'S GOOD
- pink
At this point in the proceedings, a recess is called due to a procedural violation, in which Lenny breaks free of Gwyn's grasp and swan-dives back into one of the pools. He is retrieved and knocked unconscious, but not before casting his vote for pink.
The votes are cast. Some vote to go with the demon, at least until the surface. Some vote against. Some abstain.
By a margin of one vote, the party picks plan DAVOK, with the stipulation that Kurt Hammer - bearing the head - go first into every room, and a personal demand from Milo that he not wake the beast while in the same room as him.
Kurt goes to fetch his master from the Bone Pile, escorted by Milo.
He and Marika experiment with the pools in Vandress' room. One is pink. One is yellow, and when swirled with a stick, the liquid accelerated by the stick shines for a moment, before turning to a dark residue that sinks below the surface. One is just acid, and the last is deep black, smelling of charcoal; touching it with a stick has no effect. Marika-formerly-Stephanie sticks her finger in. Her finger is, to all appearances, fine.
They say a word for Battie and unceremoniously loot her corpse.
When Kurt returns, his horrible burden still dozing on his shoulders, he leads the party through the pool room's eastern door, past the sleeping old priests, and up a dark, long staircase.
Alec starts a new Ranking, of who to have between himself and the demon.
At the top of the stairs is a door, barred and chained shut. Kurt hears something on the other side - voices - he puts his ear to the door -
| "Oh, it's a lovely evening, isn't it, Jasper?" |
| "Terribly, Luntz! And the wine is fine! Though I am a tad peckish-" |
| "Yes, yes, quite, me too, the aperitifs haven't quite filled me up-" |
| "- and I've an inkling that the host is keeping the best brandy locked away! Keeping it all to himself! Not very genial of him, is it, Luntz? Oh look, here he comes now - " |
| "- in fact they've just reminded my belly that it's time to eat, ho ho, a bit of, uhm, mutton wouldn't go amiss if you catch my drift - " |
| "- I say! You there, you old dog! Yes, we were just talking about you... show us the secret stash, eh? You know, I'm a moonlight brandy reviewer-" |
| "- although perhaps they would go amiss, if you catch my drift, Jasp, eheheh - " |
The one named "Jasper" has started addressing the door, and Kurt flinches back. The party's first thought is that "Jasper" and "Luntz" are just one horrible monster with two heads... But there's nothing to be done. The only way on is through.
They start opening the door.
"Ah, Luntz, what's this...?"
Lenny comes to, his head hurting from being knocked unconscious. He's - being carried, up a dark staircase - something feels different -
He remembers the pink, remembers its sweet taste, smoky like gammon, sweet like sugar, tangy like cocaine, but the need he felt before has faded; he still thinks of the pool, but now the thought is tinged with disgust. Disgust at the Substance, and disgust at the grey world he's left in. He has a new hunger that will never quite be sated, a pink-shaped hole in his spirit.
- also, something stinks, horribly. He doesn't think that's just the comedown. He smells it from the door that Kurt and Alec are fiddling with; it's rot and muck and lightning and old flowers and something he can't identify. He's lived on the streets of Lon Barago; he's smelled death before. This is something else. He flails, trying to say something, to warn someone, but Gwyn - noticing his waking - holds him tight and clamps a hand over his mouth. Fool! He's not trying to get back to the pin- don't think it - he's not trying to get back downstairs, he's trying to warn you all -
He's too slow. His allies get the chains off of the bar and the bar off of the door, and open it up, and the smell gets stronger, and he sees -
Kurt sees, at first, nothing. The room beyond is dark. Alec holds his torch forward, letting its light shine through the door. The Dark flinches back some yards, and Kurt sees a room. Similar to the ones below - hewn rock walls with a tiled floor.
There are two men in what used to be fine clothing.
Some articles are missing, and the rest more-or-less ragged and stained, though not filthy.
The men's skin is sallow, their hands gaunt, their nails clawlike, and as they watch the door open, they smile wide smiles, eyes glinting as in Alec's torchlight. For a moment, their teeth seem too long.
Lenny manages to whisper that they're wrong, they shouldn't be, and in a flash of inspiration he knows what he's smelling: Undeath.
But before he can say anything -
"Aaah, welcome! So... good... to see some, hm, new blood around here! I am Jasper", says Jasper.
"Yes, nice to mea - meet you all!", says Luntz.
"Yes, yes, whatever has you coming up from down there? Trapped down here too, hmm?", goes Jasper.
"We've been stuck here a while. We're so hungry.", Goes Luntz, edging closer to Kurt, salivating. Jasper smacks him back without looking.
They're obviously going to try to eat the party. Gwyn's backup peasant helpfully suggests that there are some "sheep" downstairs that the fellows could eat. She means to point them at the dead little lambs. Jasper and Luntz tragically (and luckily for the party) take her to mean something entirely different, and excitedly tear down the stairs. The faint sounds of crunching and screaming are heard as they consume Vandress and the priests.
There's a weird mushroom in the corner. They pick it up.
There's a room with an unstable floor. It collapses. It might take a while for the contractor to arrive to fix it. At least the gold out of a mummy-head's mouth can pay for him.
There are some equally gaunt and inhuman-looking (and to Lenny, smelling) women in platemail, with halberds. They look dangerous. They follow the party around, looking for a chance to get them, until Jasper and Luntz come back up and verify that there was, in fact, human meat down there. The party directs them to Battie's corpse, and they hungrily run down, warning everyone not to touch their stuff in the tombs.
The party goes to touch their stuff in the tombs. There's a weird obvious puzzle involving dismembered mummified body parts, and a freaking ballista, and the sounds of angry armored undead returning, and a strange searchlight coming out of the wall, and -
[1]: Technically, by the Imperial census, this should be "One point oh one heads, one vote"; but some scholars disagree, saying Gregor the seven-thousand-faced was an outlier, and ought never to have been counted.
[2]: 😊
